PDUTogepi (pdutogepi) wrote,

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So I've been feeling like a ball of angst today, I know it's me PMS-ing mostly, but still, blah. Had to happen while I have to be around people too, that is when I don't want to be around strange people the most... I so wish I didn't have work tomorrow |<

Something I haven't mentioned recently, is for over a week now I've been getting weird feelings in my chest. Like my heart flutters or jumps, either way it's a beat I really notice. I've had random fluttering before and mostly ignored it, but this has been happening everyday for over a week now. Looking online about heart flutters, seems like it's possibly palpitations I'm feeling (I have no serious symptoms, thank god, so I don't think it's my heart deciding to give out or something). But still, I decided to wait to see if they cleared off on their own, but it hasn't. I wasn't sure what was causing it at first. I put it down to drinking cola and crap, but after not drinking it for a few days showed no real improvement.
I honestly think it might be anxiety that's started it off. I've noticed for a fact, that it has been happening a lot more when I feel worked up and anxious. (It has happened a lot more at work too)

Yeah, I'm pretty much gonna be making a doctor's appointment this week to get these weird fluttering feelings looked at... I think maybe it's for the best if I talk to the doctor about how nervous and panicky I get, especially at work. If something sets me off, I just go bright red and just start getting very disorientated... sometimes a customer will ask where something is and I'll just blank.
Then if I can't help them, I just feel like kicking myself repeatedly.
And I always have this constant fear hanging over my head that I'm gonna break one of that places 781647832647264 rules and guidelines (Or that I'm going to upset someone by actually following said rules!).
I've always been a shy and nervous person, but I swear it seems to be getting worse there. I feel nervous and on edge for most of my shift and I just have very little confidence in myself there, even after six and a half years.
And I swear, everything I panic or worry over and everything I find hard to do because of this, everyone else doesn't seem to have a problem with. Hell even making a doctor's appointment is something I'll struggle with.

Haa, but if the doctor feels my general nervousness is a problem (And if it's causing the fluttery feelings) I only see them suggesting medication for it... and that's something I tend to like to avoid... I'm not that great with tablets and crap anyway, I can't swallow anything I deem as "whole".
My mum suggested they might also suggest a psychiatrist or something like that for me to talk to.
I guess I do feel like I need to just talk to SOMEONE who can help... currently I just feel kinda trapped, between my own nervousness and a job I seem stuck in because I can't figure out what I really want to do, or what would be better for me and even though I keep saying I want to find a better job for myself, the fact that I'm too scared to really do anything stops me -_-;

Blah, I'm just rambling and this all probably sounds so stupid.
I think I'm just gonna go curl up into a ball now.
Tags: medical stuff, oh my life
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